Sunday, 10 August 2014

From Fat to curvy...

OK so this post might spike some conflicting opinions but it's been bothering me lately, I want to lose weight, but I want to lose weight so that I am comfortably a UK size 14-16. Technically speaking, that takes me from the obese range of the (dreaded) BMI chart to just being overweight but truth be told, I am not physically comfortable being this weight. For those wondering, I am around a size 22-24.

This was taken in May 2013. I want to state I am happy with being on the plus size, I just don't feel healthy anymore.
I have spoken about losing weight before but I wasn't as committed and so I would like to make this a fresh start.

Currently I keep gaining and losing the same 10lbs due to hormonal fluctuations in the month but I feel heavier lately as I not taking the usual 2 30min walks to and from oldest school as it's the summer holidays and to be honest I haven't been the most active lately.
That said I am not bothered about overall weight. I want to be lighter for my joints and being able to do things where weight might be an issue but being under 10 stone does not bother or interest me.

My size does bother me in that I cannot do the things smaller Mums may find easier - taking the girls to the park, I cannot sit on the swings, go down the slide or sit on the see-saw without chains digging into me; feeling like the slide might be too small or buckle under my girth; or the see-saw going so far down, little ones are scared or shouting that your too fat, which when you are, is excruciatingly embarrassing when you are and there are other parents around, especially when they are smaller.
Then there is any funfairs. They feel me with dread. What if one of my little ones decided they want to go on a ride where we'd have to join them and couldn't fit on or the safety bar didn't go down properly. I'd be mortified.
We visited Kirkley Hall, here in the North East, recently and there was a zip wire and my hubby and I, both being obese stated we'd love to that, alas the weight held us back from doing so.
I'd like to take cycling up again now our oldest is riding unaided and confidentially, I am currently too heavy for a bike frame! Makes me think of job experience where you need experience to get a job, but can't get experience because you can't get a job.

I don't want to make excuses, I eat big portions and far too much sugary snacks and not enough fruit or water. I drink coffee and sugar-free squash but the squash is usually with a meal, the coffee whenever I need an energy boost, which lately seems constantly. I don't exercise, however I do walk most places. I could do more exercise, I used to cycle everywhere in my younger days and though I was 12st at 12, I was a curvy size 12, something I never appreciated back then. Man I could have some harsh words with tween me!

I keep starting and stumbling and ultimately failing at these 'diets' and I am so over that. I need to do this, I am 30 in two months, I am worried that I have been obese for the majority of my adult life and I am worried that, though I don't have any concerning health issues, they may well rear their ugly heads soon and I'll miss out on the best years of my and my childrens lives. I worry that I'll end up relying on them to help me as I get too big to leave the house. I also have anxiety issues, which I attribute to my weight. I feel better when I have the pushchair or my oldest with me so I can 'hide' behind them, without them I feel like all eyes are on  me and people are judging me as I judge myself.

I am not fat, I have fat - I see this on a lot of plus-size profiles and it is true. I am not fat, I lose this weight, I'm still going to be me, just more able to do the things I want, rather than getting knackered out and letting the weight get in my way.

I know for every me, there are alot of plus size girls, making it as models and they look amazing and have such confidence it glows. It's just for me. I do love my body though, it's mine, I have borne two beautiful babies, it has served me well for the past (almost) 30 years. I just think it's about time I started respecting it may not always be the case and I need to start making changes now to ensure it will carry through the next 30 years without too much bother. I want to create a positive body image for my girls and show them that they can carry a few extra pounds and still be healthy. This for me is not healthy.

Thanks for reading lovelies,
Talk soon,

Saturday, 9 August 2014

5 Years a mother

Wow. Just. Wow.
I have managed to keep a young human alive from birth to 5 years!
In all seriousness though, today we celebrated the fact that our oldest is now 5 years old. A fact she hasn't let us forget is happening since the first of her school friends turned 5 when they started reception.
I believe she is the youngest in her class, albeit one of the tallest though, she has been treated to lots of her chosen-hero-of-the-moment goodies. Spiderman if your wondering.

Yes, so here I sit pondering what the past few years have taught me. What an enrichment becoming a parent has been and what I would like to change to make our futures fare better.

That being said, it's been no picnic, I have hit rock bottom many a time, but managed to pull myself out with the help of my husband and outside help. It's not been through any fault of theirs, rather I have had too much on my plate that I got lost and needed a help to regain my path. The loss of my father last year rocked me in a way I didn't think it would. Though to be honest, it was before he actually passed that I lost myself badly. He had terminal cancer and we had not long re-established contact after a 20year+ silence. His loss this time and the time before that has left me knowing I won't let our girls grow up without contact with their father, unless it really cannot be helped, if there was any reason we couldn't no longer be together as a couple.

The trials of having a family in our situation - no mortgage, no savings and only one stable job - raised eyebrows, mostly from my friends who were married and mortgaged up before having children - for the majority anyways. No we took the low road and are now working out how to climb that unsteady stair to a stable home, a better household income and hopefully a better future for us all. I have days when I love, Love, LOVE being a SAHM then I have days when I feel rubbish and that I should be at work, earning a wage and trying to save money for a house. The sheer cost of full-time childcare though is too much and seems daft to pay for something I can do myself at home, albeit at the cost of not being able to afford regular luxuries.

So we're on child number two now, another girl and she starts nursery in January so I am hoping to get either a part time or establish a work from home wage that I can spend more time on once she's at nursery, enjoying herself and I know I'm not not spending time with her.

It's been an incredible learning curve becoming a Mum but one I am still learning and struggle with as sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing half the time. I'm sure other parents feel the same. Comment below if you do, or even how your feeling on your childs birthday.